I'm usually a good listener. I like to give my companion my full attention and be attuned to their mood and needs during the conversation. Recently, though, I've found myself drifting away during discussions -- this tends to happen more during group gatherings where it's easier for me to fade in and out. I think part of the reason I've been doing this (conjecture, here) is that I haven't painted in a while. With the holidays and my husband being on his equivalent of winter break, we've had so many activities planned the last couple of weeks that I haven't found time to create (other than the kitschy homemade wrapping paper I made this year). Part of me feels unfocused.
Or else I've just turned into a grandiose asshole. Could be that, too.
Part of the problem with not doing art for a while is that there are so many ideas and half-formed shapes in my mind that it's hard for me to decide where to start. I've been day dreaming of sweeping brush strokes and these layers of soft pastel colours, but distracted by the paucity of canvas. I thought a while back that I would try painting on different surfaces, and thus have kept pieces of cardboard, styrofoam, and card stock. Focus, in this form, needs to be directed towards more specific goals...
I just need to get there.
The predominant manner in which I coped with all of these emotions was immersion in art...
... I sketched and painted, and this is the period when I first fell in love with van Gogh, de Kooning, and Pollock. Abstract art was a way for me to place my rawness front and center, without words, without fear of retribution. I didn't need to explain anything; the canvas did it for me. I didn't have to use reason or rational thought, because in creating I found a solution to my doubts.