The predominant manner in which I coped with all of these emotions was immersion in art...
... I sketched and painted, and this is the period when I first fell in love with van Gogh, de Kooning, and Pollock. Abstract art was a way for me to place my rawness front and center, without words, without fear of retribution. I didn't need to explain anything; the canvas did it for me. I didn't have to use reason or rational thought, because in creating I found a solution to my doubts.
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Growing up in close proximity to NYC -- yep, you can call me a "bridge-and-tunnel-girl" -- I used to go on independent jaunts into the city. Where did I go? Museums, of course. I would get lost for hours inside exhibits, sometimes sketching, other times writing.
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Sometimes I think I get so fixated on finding a perfect colour or shade that I end up unpainting what I did the previous day(s). You know, where you're relatively pleased with how it initially goes down but then on further examination you decide that there are certain areas that need work. So then you mix your paints and focus on those areas, and when you step back you realize that you liked it much better before you messed it up.
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Years and years later, after college and graduate school and numerous friendships, heartbreak, challenges, and living life -- it was only after growing up, that I could understand the language of jazz. In a way, I had to learn its language through piecing together its alphabet.
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The predominant manner in which I coped with all of these emotions was immersion in art...
... I sketched and painted, and this is the period when I first fell in love with van Gogh, de Kooning, and Pollock. Abstract art was a way for me to place my rawness front and center, without words, without fear of retribution. I didn't need to explain anything; the canvas did it for me. I didn't have to use reason or rational thought, because in creating I found a solution to my doubts.